He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
