I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
