All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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