A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
