i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
