you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I had to cum in my sink.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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