Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
