Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
