1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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