remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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