just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
