Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
