First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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