When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You took a bar mat shot.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
