So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
