Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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