Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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