I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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