i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
