highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
