Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
