Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
