Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
