I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
