Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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