That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
