We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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