oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
