Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
