I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
