I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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