I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
