If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
