Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
