Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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