I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Who died my cat blue again?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
