Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
