When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
