his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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