I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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