Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
sex in a hospital.. check
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
