Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
