Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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