Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
