Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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