Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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