I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
