dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
