Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
