I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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