It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
