I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
