One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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