She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
