i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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